I am not sure if Alyn found this on the internet or if someone sent it to him but it's hilarious! These are tests to see if you are ready to have a baby.....
Mess Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
Grocery Store Test
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all tentacles stay inside.
Feeding Test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonsful of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test
Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
5 comments:
flippin hilarious!!!
"look cheerful!"...priceless!!
this should not be a problem for you at all...looking cheerful in the morning is what you are known for!! haha!!
you are going to be a GREAT mom!!!!! i can't wait to watch you swing you baby from the ceiling, trying to get a spoonfull of food in their mouth...whilst pretending to be an airplane!!!!!
:-)
love you heaps!!!
incredible... i'll be shopping for Alyn's bean bag chair this weekend
;-)
dude! judging by this list, I'm not ready to have a kid.
Only I have two.
The Mess Test makes me want to cry a little.
The Grocery Store Test shows that the test-maker doesn't know about SuperStore's Blue Cars.
The Dressing Test ... is hilarious. And a little too close to the truth.
The Feeding Test left out the importance of wearing a HAZ-MAT suite while attempting to conduct the test.
The Night Test seems silly. Especially when all children sleep 10-12 hours at night by the time they're 2 months old. And still sleep 12 hours at night WITH a 3 hour nap in the afternoon when they're almost 4 years old. (heh heh ... good genes right over here, baby)
The Physical Test made me want to bawl like a small child.
The Final Assignment: feel free to use my kids as your final assignment. And see IF YOU EVER COME OVER AGAIN.
That was great, and funny! If you can make parents laugh with that test, you know there's truth in it!
And, what? Shannon? Your kids slept for 10-12 hours since 2 MONTHS OLD?
Both of them? Not fair, so not fair.
I wouldn't count on that happening A.J...Shannon's kids are 2 in a million!
Breastfeeding Test
Attach two bags of wet cement to your chest, drizzle milk down your front soaking into your top and then attach a clothes pegs to each nipple.
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